When I was young I would climb to the top of the hill near my home. I would walk along the top to the steepest side which overlooked the valley below and with my arms outstretched I would take a deep breath and lean forward. The wind would catch me and hold me firmly, defying gravity for just long enough to feel like I was flying.
I went flying often in my teen years, when I was angry it helped me gain perspective, when I was sad and even when I was at my lowest suicidal moments, flying would give me a sense of freedom and oneness with mother earth and held me in its gentle arms for long enough calm me down and let me walk away knowing where I wanted my ashes to be spread one day but knowing that wasn't that day.
As I grew older and moved away I have often thought back to those days - some of the worst and best of my life. I wonder if I had known myself better or had been ready to admit that I did indeed have a mental illness. While I knew in my heart that I had anorexia I would not even consider for a minute admitting it and everytime the word was heard or mentioned I turned off and blocked out my thoughts. The stigma, mental illness, Crazyness - not acceptable no not ever. As well as having anorexia, I was also starting to display the mood symptoms that would later form the patterns that define them as Bipolar disorder.
I slowly grew up and life threw curveballs from every angle, I left school in yr 10, and at 16 dated my friends 30yr old brother. I moved out ended up as a teen mum with a child that had a disability, married an alcoholic (now in recovery) I have diagnosed mental illness that I take drugs I don't believe in every single day. I have been hospitalised for a manic suicide attempt, loved laughed yelled and cried holding a knife to my arm while planning my vegetable garden layout for next spring. This can happen all in the same day, hell all in the same hour sometimes.
While I have always tended to write during my bad times, I am trying a new thing. I want to want to live and now I must try and document the good, put a positive spin the bad and slowly train my brain to believe that life is a valuable place for me to stay.
So today I lean forward with my eyes shut and arms outstretched ready to take on what ever gets thrown at me next, and I hope you can join me on this journey because now i'm in the mood to fly.
